what NOT to say to a woman pregnant with multiples

a few months ago, my visiting teaching companion and teachee got onto the topic of what not to say to a woman pregnant with multiples. thus, the idea for this post!

i'm sad to say that yes, most of these were asked of me or said to me during my pregnancy. i know most people are well-meaning and sometimes things just come out wrong...

but luckily you have me to teach you what not to say!!

sentiment
- good luck.
- you poor thing!
- i'm glad it's you, not me. better you than me.
- i feel so sorry for you.

yes, it's true. you may truly feel sorry for that person, but let's not rub salt in the wound. everyone who ends up pregnant with multiples was surprised to find out they were carrying multiple (except maybe in the case of in-vitro because the odds of multiples increase). and everyone who finds out they're pregnant with multiples is well aware of the fact that it's going to be hard/expensive/exhausting. one more person telling them this is not going to help the situation. so congratulate them and tell them they are going to be doubly or triply (more) blessed!

fertility
- are they natural twins? or were you on fertility drugs? did you do in-vitro?

i got asked about the...beginnings of my twins all the time. i didn't mind answering because my twins were spontaneous (natural) twins, but the question does bother me. the finer details of a woman's fertility are NO one else's business. imagine how you would feel if you had gone through many years of fertility treatments and finally found out you were pregnant with multiples, only to have people care about HOW it happened rather than the fact that it DID happen. how one ends up pregnant doesn't matter. what does matter is that they are likely thrilled to be pregnant!

- did you have sex twice?

i have to admit, i never got asked this question, but it does get asked. and, for your information, in very RARE cases, it is possible to get pregnant with twins from having sex twice. instead of going into the details, i think i'll leave it for you to think about. :)

planned parenthood
- did you want twins?

it doesn't matter if someone wanted multiples or not. fact is, they're pregnant with them now and nothing can change that. some people do have a very hard time when find out they're having multiples. it's a huge undertaking! plus, hardly anyone is going to tell you "no, i didn't want twins." at this point it's not about what you want, it's about loving what you've got.

- twins, perfect!! now you're done! so, are you done having children?

um, thanks for asking, but how many children someone has is not something women pregnant with multiples want to discuss with anyone. it's no one's business! maybe they only wanted one and now they have two. or maybe they're well on their way to the ten they wanted to have. in any case, who cares? i got asked this question a lot and it bothered me because it honestly wasn't something i wanted to think about WHILE i was pregnant with TWINS.

- at least they're your first...

i sometimes think it would have been better if they were my last! i would have known much more about taking care of children instead of being thrown head first into an instant family. plus, depending on the ages of older siblings, having multiples last means you would have more help. on the flip side, however, having twins first means i'll probably think one baby is easier. PLEASE don't get mad at me for saying this. i'm NOT saying one baby is EASY, just easier than two. don't believe me? i'll gladly let you take my twins for a weekend. :P

plus, saying this to someone is suggesting that it's going to be hard. we know already! a better thing to say: "how exciting you get to start out with twins!"

downers
- you're going to be huge. you're going to be so uncomfortable.

this is exactly what every pregnant woman doesn't want to hear. yes, having more than one baby crammed in an uterus is going to be quite uncomfortable, thanks for pointing it out. multiples = even less room to breath, less room for pee, and more back pain. let's not dwell on it. instead, encourage the mom to get lots of rest!! 

- plan on your twins going to the nicu.

as a mother who's been through the nicu experience, i would never, ever wish it on anyone. and my twins weren't as early as some babies. having said that...i hated this statement. i did NOT want my babies to end up in the nicu. yes, having multiples increases the likelihood of prematurity, but no one wants to plan on the nicu. it is smart to be educated on the fact that it may happen, but instead, plan on doing everything you can to keep your multiples out of the nicu!

- do NOT share stories about other women who lost one or more (or all) of their multiples!

this goes without saying. why would anyone want to hear that someone else lost one of their multiples? once they hear the story, that is all they'll be able to think about, and that's not healthy. keep the positive stories rolling and leave the downer ones behind.